Ed’s Top Ten Favorite March Madness Poetry 2013 Poems: #3

We are now just three days away from the start of the March Madness Poetry 2014 tournament! Tonight I reveal #3 on my list of Top Ten Favorite Poems of #MMPoetry 2013 — I’ve read this poem no less than 100 times since it was written one year ago, and I STILL can’t stop laughing, hard, every time I read it.

The Vegan and the Vampire
By Marcus Ewert

A vegan came to lecture me, he ranted on and on;
I flapped my velvet cape at him and told him to be gone.

He came again at daybreak, when it’s time for me to rest –
He yelled that meat was murder, then he flung a chicken breast.

He tampered with my pantry – my poor bats flew out in droves!
“It’s just fresh herbs and greens!” he said. Yes…and garlic cloves!

He pestered me with pamphlets on the larceny of milk,
And shredded half my jacket – just because it’s made of silk!

He ambushed me in alleys, and he cornered me in crypts;
He broke into my boudoir, frothing spittle on his lips;

“You live off HUMAN BLOOD!!” he shrieked. “Your diet is abhorrent!”
I confess I ripped his head off, and lapped at the red torrent.


As I said in the comments section when this was originally published, that ending is “the funniest couplet in the history of vampire poetry. I cannot stop thinking about this vampire lapping at the red torrent of blood. I mean, someone could make a classic B-movie on the basis of that scene alone.”

When Marcus isn’t busy working on awesome-sounding books, I hope we’ll see him back in the #MMPoetry tournament again someday.

Click here to see this poem as it originally appeared in #MMPoetry 2013.

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  • http://www.thinkkidthink.com/ Ed DeCaria

    Just read it again after posting … and laughed out loud AGAIN! I can’t help myself — it’s THAT funny.

  • http://motherstreusel.com/ Mother Streusel

    Oh…My…Goodness!!! Wow! Impressive poet!

  • Renee LaTulippe

    Another marvelous entry by Marcus. So much fun!

  • Jeanne Poland

    AHA! Vampire in jest!

  • Damon Dean

    I don’t remember that one! Either I missed it, or my iron-poor blood is slogging my brain. Ha!

  • Dave Crawley

    “Frothing spittle on his lips.” Wondrous word-mastering…

  • Buffy Silverman

    Great humor!

  • BJ Lee

    hahaha! I adore this one! Marcus Ewert it a clever chap!